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Kissing Hank's Ass


This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered  the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple.

The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."


Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if  you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town.  Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he  wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss  his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want  a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get  the money, and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town,  and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last  year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money  if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll  get a raise; maybe you'll win a small lotto; maybe you'll just find a  twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain connections."

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars! Can you really take the chance?  And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight  from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass.  Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner  a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a  Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would  reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining  the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From  the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he'll give you a million dollars  when you leave town.
2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
3.) Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4.) Eat right.
5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
7.) Everything Hank says is right.
8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.) Don't drink.
10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he'll kick the shit out of you.


Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of  philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're  different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says Everything Hanks says is right.' That's good  enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.'  Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' item 4 says  'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the  bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest  must be true, too."

Me: "But #9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with #2.  And #6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just  plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2.  As to 6, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is  made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon  came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing  where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but  we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so,  the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank  dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no  different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone  come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything  else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken.

John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in  it would be out of the question?"

Mary (sticking her fingers in her ears): "I am not listening to this.  La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints.

John (catching her): "Well, if I'd known you were one of those,  I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's  ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater." With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


Author Unknown

Thank you

GrotonWitch's Grimoir