You can run but you can't hide!

September 11, 2001

Dear al Quaida, Taliban, Mr. Bin Laden, Mr. Arafat, and Mr. Hussein, et al:

We are pleased to announce that we unequivocally accept your challenge to an old-fashioned game of whoop-ass. Now that we understand the rule that there are no rules, we look forward to playing without them for the first time. Since this game is a winner-take-all, we unfortunately are unable to invite you to join us at the victory celebration. But rest assured that we will toast you -- LITERALLY.

While we will admit that you are off to an impressive lead, it is, however, now our turn at the plate. By the way, we will be playing on your diamond now...Batter up!

Our team line up is as follows:

Manager ~ George W. Bush

Assistant Manager ~ Dick Cheney

Head Coach ~ Colin Powell

Assistant Coach ~ Donald Rumsfeld

Starting Pitcher ~ Norman Schwartzkoff

1st Base ~ U. S. Marine Corps

2nd Base ~ U. S. Navy

3rd Base ~ U.S. Air Force

Shortstop and clean up hitter ~ U. S. Army

Outfield ~ Firemen and Policemen

Umpire ~ None Required

**remember - the manager told you there'll be no discussion, no negotiation!

Pinch hitters as needed ~

U.S. Navy SEALS

U.S. Army Green Berets

U.S. Army Rangers

U.S. Air Force PJs

U.S. Delta Force

And, since there are no rules, we've decided to add:

4th Base ~ United Kingdom

5th Base ~ Russia

6th Base ~ China

Other Bases (as desired) ~ Pakistan, Japan, Germany, France, Spain, Italy "Turkistan and lots of other ...stans" and more.

Opening Ceremonies:

Vocal 1: Celine Dion ~ The Star Spangled Banner

Vocal 2: Lee Greenwood ~ God Bless the U.S.A.

Vocal 3: Neil Diamond ~ Comin' To America

Vocal 4: Bruce Springstein ~ Born In the U.S.A.

Vocal 5: The Mormon Tabernacle Choir ~ Battle Hymn of the Republic

You may choose whoever you want for your team ... it won't really matter (even if you all shave); our guys are gonna win!!!

Sincerely,

The 270,000,000 citizens of the United States of America

P.S. May we recommend at this time that you give your soul to Allah, 'cause your ass is ours! Goodbye!