I think Santa Claus is a
woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I
have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until
Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until
3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a
last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit
of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the
11th hour
decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if
he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating
musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, here would be no
reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the
sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because
he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and
ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the
chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and
get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright
90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red
velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is
threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's
wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously
inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would
require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to
point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have eachother, good will, peace on
earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song", it probably
makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.
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